Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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