I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
