you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
