In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
