What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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