I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
