My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
