Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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