U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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