Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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