My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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