saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
