when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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