She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
