boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
