Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
