what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
