Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
