I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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