Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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