tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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