mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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