I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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