i don't want you to think of me as your TA
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
