Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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