Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize