I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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