we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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