Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You are the jesus of drinking
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
