Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
