The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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