When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
