dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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