swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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