bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
