The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
