Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
