Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
