I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize