I'm going to jail i love you
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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