Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
