Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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