you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
