you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
