Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
