I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
