i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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