Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize