Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
