i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
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