Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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