I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
