Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
