Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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