how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
