my sisters under your porch take her home
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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