I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
